You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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