I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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