i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
