Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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