You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
