Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Randomize
