you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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