If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
