I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
