My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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