smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
