She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
