Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
