i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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