2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
