Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
