the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
