from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
