made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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