finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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