I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
