I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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