looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
