u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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