I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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