I think my fart just growled at me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
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