could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
