no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
