Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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