Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
