god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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