how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize