You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Non-Jews are for practice
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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