I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
