I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
