Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
