I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
