I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize