I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
