After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
