I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
