don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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