Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
