I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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