I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
