Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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