I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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