I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
