I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
