I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
