and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
