Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
