God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
