I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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