I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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