May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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