I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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