matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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