Umm I'm too high to move.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
