I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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