I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
