i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
