I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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